Arthur Kriticos: Tony Shalhoub
Dennis Rafkin: Matthew Lillard
Kathy Kriticos: Shannon Elizabeth
Maggie Bess: Rah Digga
Kalina Ozerene: Embeth Davidtz
Cyrus Kriticos: F. Murray Abraham
Bobby Kriticos: Alec Roberts
Ben Moss: J.R. Bourne
If you're going to be left a house by someone in their will,
make sure it's not that left by Cyrus Kriticos in Thir13en Ghosts,
unless you fancy living in a haunted house that resembles the inside of the
cube in the
Hellraiser series.
Some time ago, Arthur Kriticos (Tony Shalhoub) lost his wife in a house
fire and is having to raise his daughter Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth) and
younger son Bobby (Alec Roberts), not to mention their nanny Maggie
(Rah Digga), although you have to question why anyone without money
for a decent abode would splash out on a hired help.
More recently, ghost hunter Cyrus Kriticos (F. Murray Abraham) lost his
life and left the aforemention house to his nephew Arthur, but once the whole
family enters they have to release all 12 ghosts in the house... Well, female
ghost hunter Kalina Ozerene (Embeth Davidtz) reckons there's 12 until
Cyrus' accomplice Dennis Rafkin (Matthew Lillard) explains exactly who
and what the 13th one is. The ghosts can only be seen with the aid of special
glasses and, as the film progresses, the Latin text spread around the house
is given a reason and you find out what Basileus' device is.
"Did the lawyer split?"
From there the film plays out like a cross between
Ghostbusters
and Scooby Doo as the gang run around the house trying to escape from
the undead and since Matthew Lillard stars in the 2002 summer film
based on the aforementioned cartoon, it's rather apt that he's running about
this place and all that's required is for him to shout "Yoinks!"
On the plus side, the film is a short one, since it's an unconvincing mish-mash
of running about mixed in with quick-cut footage as the baddies do their
worst, but we've been down this path so many times before it's not even funny
now and barely entertaining. You know that for no apparent reason both Cyrus
and Arthur's dead wife will pay them all a visit and in the end good will
triumph over evil.
To summarise the film's lack of conviction, it completely fails to draw you
in to the family's plight and completely washes over you as forgetable as
an early morning splash of water across your face. As such, you know everything
will turn out alright, although you hope all the good guys will suffer quick
horrible deaths so the short running time is cut in half. I couldn't wait for
it to end it was that bad.
Sorry, Columbia Tristar, but this is probably the worst film I'll see all year.
Hey, who's your friend?
The best things I can say about the film are in this section since I couldn't
fault any part of the audio-visual presentation.
The picture is presented in an anamorphic 1.85:1 widescreen ratio with a
colourful and crystal clear look to it, no motion artifacts at all and bold
textures throughout.
The sound, while repetitive, is superb and if you do find yourself drawn into
the nonsense you'll be pleasantly rewarded with a soundtrack that will have
your neighbours banging on the walls for days as the quick-cut footage is
complemented with equivalent sound FX that never disappoint. As a result, it's
just a shame I found no 'fear factor' here.
Boo!
The 19-minute featurette, 'Making Of' Featurette, mixes in letterboxed clips from
the film in with chat from cast and crew members to explain how it was
based on a 1960s movie directed by William Castle, a 3D affair in
which the audience would get the benefit of seeing the ghosts with the help
of the glasses that the characters use within. Other aspects of the film are
discussed including the prosthetics of the baddies and the house's design.
Thir13en Ghosts Revealed is a 13-minute featurette which describes
each of those apparations with a voice that has echoes of Garrett as he talks
you through each mission in Eidos' PC game,
Thief II: The Metal Age.
These are followed by text-based Filmographies and a William Castle biography,
plus Trailers for this film,
Hollow Man and
another of this summer's blockbusters, Spider Man, though sadly not the
cool trailer withdrawn from cinemas last year which featured a web spun between
the twin towers of the World Trade Center. All three trailers are in
anamorphic 1.85:1 and Dolby Digital 5.1 sound.
Finally, there's an audio commentary from director Steve Beck, who
also performed visual effects work on Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,
The Hunt For Red October
and
The Abyss.
There are 28 chapters to the film, the subtitles are in four languages
(English, Italian, Dutch and Columbia's favourite, Hindi - I say that because
no other company seems to bother, although Warner have an affinity for Arabic)
and the main menu is scored with bizarre chants in Latin.
DVDs reviewed by the editor are watched on a Panasonic TXW32R4 32" widescreen TV
connected to either a Creative Dxr2 DVD-ROM player or Microsoft Xbox and
played through a Sony STR-DB930 amplifier.
PC games reviewed by the editor are on:
Since Nov 2005: Intel Pentium D 830 3.0Ghz, 1Gb RAM, 128Mb nVidia GeForce 6700XL, Windows XP
Since Aug 2003: Intel Pentium 4 2.66Ghz, 512Mb RAM, 128Mb GeForce4 MX440 graphics, Windows XP
Since May 2003: Intel Pentium 4 2.6Ghz, 512Mb RAM, 128Mb ATI Radeon 9600TX graphics, Windows XP
Since Jun 2002: Intel Pentium III 600Mhz, 384Mb RAM, Windows 98 SE, 64Mb ATI Radeon 8500LE
Since May 2000: Intel Pentium III 600Mhz, 384Mb RAM, Windows 98 SE, Voodoo 3 3000 AGP
