Brian Potter/Max: Peter Kay
Jerry St. Clair: Dave Spikey
Ray Von: Neil Fitzmaurice
Paddy: Patrick McGuinness
Les: Toby Foster
Alan: Steve Edge
Kenny Senior: Archie Kelly
Young Kenny: Justin Moorhouse
Holy Mary: Janice Connolly
Marion: Beatrice Kelley
Den Perry: Ted Robbins
Spencer: Daniel Kitson
Mike Fiddler: Tim Healy
The Captain: Ced Beaumont
Eric: Bernard Wrigley
Clinton Baptiste: Alex Lowe
Tracy Burns: Sally Lindsay
Beverley: Jo Enright
Mary: Sian Foulkes
Spawned from a one-off story, Phoenix Nights
was one of seven episodes (if you count "The Services" pilot on Comedy Lab) from
That Peter Kay Thing, which went on to get two full series, as I write.
The Phoenix is a working men's club in Bolton, Greater Manchester, run by
Brian Potter (Peter Kay) and the first episode sees the grand re-opening
by special guest Roy Walker. Everything should go well, despite the
fact that bouncer Max (also played by Kay) fell through the window earlier when
putting a banner up and that the only fruit machine they could get was one
based on the German warboat film,
Das Boot
and, to make matters worse, the thing only pays out in Deutschmarks!
There's also friction between Max and the other bouncer, Paddy, as the former
taunts the latter about his premature balding. Problems are also abound for
when the first song from Jerry "The Saint" St. Clair (Dave Spikey) gets
underway as the electrics die, so cue electrician-cum-DJ Ray Von (Neil
Fitzmaurice) who turns up and wires the club to... the lamp post outside.
During the dark silence inbetween, a folk band, led by Mick Fiddler (Tim
Healy) arrive on stage, but they're half into their first song before
it's pointed out to Brian how racist their lyrics are.
Brian makes his a large one.
Episode 2 opens with a tragedy - not only does Brian find out that his new
resident DJ was almost prosecuted for the murder of a young girl, but their
legendary old doorman, affectionately known as The Captain (Ced Beaumont), is
found dead at the end of a night at the Phoenix club. It's during his wake
that the "Das Boot" chooses to pay out in the aforementioned - and now-defunct -
German coinage while shouting "Jackpot!"
The next day, the snooker table needs re-siting as it slopes towards one corner
and no-one seems to bat an eyelid as two men just walk in and take the club's
TV - while people are watching it! Kenny Senior (Archie Kelly) runs
after them though, knocks on their car window, saying "Not as clever as you
think you are, eh?" They begin to panic until... Kenny continues, "You
forgot this" and hands them the remote control(!)
And I haven't even begun to detail the disaster that is the Wild West Night...
an appearance from Wild Bill and his horse Trigger, which promptly dumps on
the cabaret suite's £30,000 cork floor, Paddy and Max's discussion on
Sean Connery's "wig" films, a gunfight between Yorkshire and Lancashire that
turns into a mass fight and a drunken horse having sex with the bronco machine
(Brian: "Oh, we've not got a licence for this.")
A drunken Trigger says hello.
Tonight's the night for International Psychic Clinton Baptise (or "Pyskick"
as Young Kenny's poster states), as episode 3 begins, even though he has had
to phone up to find out what time he'll be on and causes offence to everyone.
The Phoenix has finally got a new widescreen TV, albeit one that picks up
Cracker in a language that's far from English and shows Armchair Super Store,
plus the dartboard's been nicked... not the whole unit containing the casing
and scoreboards too - just the dartboard!
But this episode is best known for the appearance of Fire Safety Officer
Keith Lard (again played by Kay), who had been alleged to have had sexual relations
with dogs - thus getting Channel 4 a writ from and thus issuing an apology to
Bolton's similarly-named and employed Keith Laird - and his literal breakdown
of the dance classic, "Disco Inferno".
When I first put this review online I said: "I'm sure there was more of Lard's
appearance in the episode than is broadcast here though. Either way, the
onscreen apology that was broadcast at the time of the repeat of this episode
appears at the end here too."
I've since realised that Keith Lard first made an appearance in That Peter
Kay Thing in the "Eyes Down" episode set at the Apollo Bingo club in Bolton,
for which Lard's past caught up with him at the end of the show.
He means 'Psychic'.
For the fourth episode, it's Singles Night. You can tell it's singles night
"because they're all hangin'" While Max feels lonely, Paddy taps barmaid
Holy Mary's daughter, also called Mary, Brian discovers that Ray Von didn't
really murder his girlfriend Tracy Burns because she's there in the flesh,
and then said club owner goes on to find love with Beverley and sings the
karaoke favourite, "You are the wind beneath my wheels."
A night out.. at Brian's house doesn't quite go to plan - a meal from a burger
bar, a drop of Blue Nun, a bite of his toblerone, a listen to a bit of Marvin
and a video of fireworks...which changes to something less palatable. Things
are bound to get moving when he buys a new waterbed though...
A bowling mishap.
It's match day and a group of dwarves descend upon the Phoenix (Max: "How
far away are they?") - cue a pre-credits punch-up which the two bounces
lose unceremoniously. After that we see Jerry in the doctor's awaiting an anal
probe while in the background you can hear the radio belting out The Waterboys'
"Whole of the Moon".
Jerry's alternative comedy night, The Funny Farm, gets off to a rousing start
with an act who opens, "Is it me, or do all pensioners stink of piss?"
As for the rest, none of them raise even a flutter of a smile, while a teacher
called Darius storms the stage in the nude to shriek indistinguishably at the
top of his voice. "Is this as bad as it gets?", asks Brian. Kenny Senior
replies: "He taught me metalwork".
In the other room is a Robot Wars tournament, one potential winner being
Max and Paddy's concoction. Well, it's more like a dead-cert since the
contest is rigged as they blatantly cheat and split the winnings with Ray Von.
The original Darius.
As the series draws to a close, Jerry's given a clean bill of health, the
Phoenix has got the Talent Trek grand final and, most important of all, Max
has just installed a new car alarm that shouts out, "GET BACK YER BASTARD,
OR I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!!".
However, the club's only managed to swipe Talent Trek from under Den Perry's
nose by claiming that Jerry isn't okay and is actually at death's door and
won't see Christmas... but did he really have to sing Terry Jacks' "Seasons
in the Sun"?
When Right Said Frank, the replacements for Les Alanos are revealed to be car thieves, Brian
has to call them back up and interrupt their performance of Karate Kid:
The Musical. Once news of Jerry's miraculously-improved condition has
spread around, Den Perry gives the club its final swansong...
Jerry's results are announced.
There's so much going on in each episode of the show that you need to see each
one at least two or three times. So many one-liners, so much input from Peter
Kay be it physical or verbal (even doing the radio jingles for "Chorley
FM - coming in your ears!")
In the second episode when Brian is unimpressed with his wonky snooker table
and the new bucking bronco machine, Eric tries to persuade him:
Eric: "I'll throw in an aeroplane for you too. Only one previous owner." Brian: "Who.. John Denver?" Eric: "Come on, give it a week and it'll be shitting money!" Brian: "If not, it'd better be shitting snooker tables!"
Jerry's observation on the pensioners enjoying the new bucking bronco ride:
"Look at them. I've not seen them this excited since
they printed that paedophile's address in t'paper."
Les' drama group need a place to rehearse their new play, Karate Kid: The
Musical, since their usual haunt is being fumigated.
Brian: "And you want to know if you can use one of mine?" Les: "It'll only be for a couple of days." Brian: "That's what they said to Terry Waite."
Fire Safety officer Keith Lard makes a visit:
Brian: "You know Keith Lard. Got done for interfering with dogs." Jerry: "He got off, though, didn't he?" Brian: "You wanna try getting an alsatian t'testify."
Comments on Jerry's aftershave:
Max: "What you got on? You stink!" Jerry: "Something you can't afford." Paddy: "What... Febreeze?"
Brian and Beverley get it on:
Beverley: "I'm not the person that you think I am." Brian: "You're not a bloke are yer, or used to be... like Hayley?" Beverley: "No, I've never been a bloke. I work for the DSS. They
sent me to investigate you for fraudulent disability claims."
Seedy activities for Paddy:
Paddy: "Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam. First one
I went with made me wash me old man in t'sink." Max: "You took yer Dad?"
On interviewing a Robot Wars contestant:
Brian: "That a robot is it, son?" Contestant: "Actually the term... automaton. The Cleaner's
multidirectional, it's fitted with a twin-wizard blade mechanism
at the back and it's also got a trip-hammer device at the front." Brian: "You ever kissed a girl?"
I've become quite a fan of a Friday night out at the Comedy Store in Manchester
too, this year, most times of which seem to feature someone from Phoenix Nights,
such as Dave Spikey (Jerry), Archie Kelly (Kenny Senior) and Toby Foster (Les).
The programme was filmed in 16:9 and is presented as such here on DVD (shame
about the poor VHS owners who have to make do with 14:9 - why do they bother
with the extra BBFC expense? Just give the public 16:9 throughout and be done
with it!) As for the quality, the encoding is above average, but on some indoor
scenes, particularly those on stage, you can see blocking in the background.
Other than that, there's no noticeable problems.
The sound is perfectly fine - regular Dolby Surround that doesn't get much
to do during dialogue-only scenes, but gets across all those chicken-in-a-basket
numbers perfectly.
The extras, all in anamorphic 16:9 widescreen, begin with One Man and His
Horse (9 mins), a documentary but of what I'm not entirely sure. It's more
a behind-the-scenes look at the second episode where a drunk Trigger... well, you
read that above. 17 minutes of Deleted Scenes and 29 minutes of
Outtakes are great to watch more than once, one of my favourites being
when suggestions are requested for a Singles Night and Young Kenny deviates from
the subject to discuss "Stars in Their Eyes".
All five Armchair Super Store adverts are included as are two brief
30-second trailers which showcased the first two episodes. Weren't there any
for the rest of the series? An audio commentary runs throughout the series but
I've not had chance to check that out yet.
All the menus are animated with clips from the show and sound mixing music
from the series and soundbites (eg. "I'm getting the word.... nonce!"),
there are 7 chapters per episode, but sadly no subtitles.
As of April 2009, Blu-rays and DVDs reviewed by the editor are watched on a Panasonic TH-37PX80B
37" Plasma TV with a Sony BDP-1500 Blu-ray player and played through a Yamaha DSP-AX820 amplifier.
PC games reviewed by the editor are on:
Since Jan 2011: Intel Quad Core Dell XPS 8100, i7 CPU 860 @ 2.80Ghz, 8Gb RAM, nVidia GeForce GTS 240, Windows 7
Since Nov 2005: Intel Pentium D 830 3.0Ghz, 1Gb RAM, 128Mb nVidia GeForce 6700XL, Windows XP
Since Aug 2003: Intel Pentium 4 2.66Ghz, 512Mb RAM, 128Mb GeForce4 MX440 graphics, Windows XP
Since May 2003: Intel Pentium 4 2.6Ghz, 512Mb RAM, 128Mb ATI Radeon 9600TX graphics, Windows XP
Since Jun 2002: Intel Pentium III 600Mhz, 384Mb RAM, Windows 98 SE, 64Mb ATI Radeon 8500LE
Since May 2000: Intel Pentium III 600Mhz, 384Mb RAM, Windows 98 SE, Voodoo 3 3000 AGP
