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May 11 2011

Why films on TV in their original widescreen ratio is good for you

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Running time: 20-25 minutes per episode Year: 2002/3 Sound: Stereo Languages: English Fullscreen: 4:3 Director: Andy Ide Written by: Andy Ide & Nadia Music: Uniquetracks Cast: Nadia, Tamara Noon, Vicky, Melissa, Simon, Sarah Wright, Nathalie

All for one and free for all! Nadia's Smashingest Birthday Debate all you will on the merits of 'smashingest' not being in the dictionary, but you'll soon be distracted with what's on view. It's Nadia's birthday, as the title suggests, and she's got no-one to share the special day with so she goes out on the street asking for total strangers to sign her giant card. One of them, Vicky, has left her mobile number on the card so she gives her a call and gets ready for an evening in at her ex-boyfriend's flat (he's out of town so this is a strictly lesbian movie) Nadia strips off and tries her new toys out and then the two of them are together alone, with our heroine beginning by undoing the burgeoning top of her new friend and slowly and sumptuously sucking the tasty nipples underneath. Then the Vicky is undressed as Nadia whispers, "Can I have you totally naked?" Nadia does was she does best and mouths all around Vicky's wanton opening before going in with the tongue. Just as she's bringing her off, her phone rings and it's Tamara Noon inviting herself round to join the party. While they wait for her to arrive, Nadia lets her fingers do the walking... In mid-tongue-reciprocation, the doorbell goes and Nadia's on her feet to let Tam in and the two original girls snog lovingly close-up while she gets undressed. Then comes a fantastic shot as the camera pans round the girls as Tam and Vicky get stuck into the birthday girl, and we get a quick peek of Vicky's proud asshole (let's have some close-ups of these please!) As time moves on, Tam goes down on Vicky, while Nadia puts on some kind of self-pleasure device, offering the remote control to Vicky to speed up as she desires. Nadia comments to Tam, "I know when she's enjoying you because she's pushing the controls!" A dildo toy follows as used on Vicky by Nadia, while Tam fondles and sucks Vicky's breasts. Then before it's all over, the girls swap around to let Tam get the full force of the fun, during which Nadia is held up high in the air right by a large window - where anyone could be looking in! If there's any downside to this episode, it's the moment where Nadia moves down lower and the camera catches the scars under Vicky's breasts where she had the enlargement surgery. I prefer the naturals which is where Nadia and Tam excel! Tips to make it better: All naturals! Plus, Vicky doesn't always look quite as "in the mood" as the other two. Also, there was another girl who signed her card, rather similar-looking to Nadia. I'd love to have seen her get it on with the birthday girl. RATING

Melissa teaches Nadia a thing or two. The Girl With The Camera The episode begins with Nadia recounting to Tam of an evening round at Melissa and Simon's house (please don't bring blokes into this!) After discovering their home movies on a video, Nadia is at first shocked, but the others spot that she's intrigued and Melissa passes her the camera to film them while they go at it. The problem with what comes next is that all the male/female action looks fake when they're supposed to be doing anything because none of that can be shown on TV and, hence, you're unsure if Melissa's sucking his cock (you can see he's licking her out, given what can be shown). As ever, few actresses can match the sexiness of Nadia so you're glad when she gets her kit off and starts playing with herself as she films the other two. As the two girls go down on one another in turn, the bloke films them and you wonder if he's gay given how he's gone limp watching them! Things get very sensual between them two, but the fact there's a naked man visibly standing there really is offputting. This does not improve as he starts to apparently shag his missus while she, in turn, licks at Nadia's always-startling body. Nadia never gets the man action here, which I'm glad of since she always looks best in lesbian situations. Tips to make it better: No men in a lesbian film! RATING

Simply scrumptious! Despite Her Best Intentions Things pick up immeasurably better with this next film as Nadia's brother goes out for the day leaving his 'latest conquest' behind for her to quiz on all things 'au naturel'. Nadia stayed overnight, you see, so the first she sees of this new girl - played by the devastatingly gorgeous Sarah Wright (my future wife - if Nadia isn't available :), last seen in Nadia's Sweet Revenge - is of her in a towel, teasing with her legs open and fingers playing in her mouth, and asking if she likes licking pussy, as she takes the towel off. "Is that a question or an actual request?", asks Nadia. "Both", replies Sarah. Christ almighty, how can anyone refuse? Even more so when Sarah commands in a sensual Northern accent, "So, where do you wanna fuck me?", and immediately begins to lick, tease and suck on Nadia's sweet breasts before taking her panties off and kissing tenderly along her thighs, licking at her feet and then sitting on Nadia's face - all right by a large glass window, so anyone looking up will have caught the most glorious eyefull! After a 69 session they have a brief relax lying down and Nadia playfully starts to bring Sarah off, before Sarah gets up against the glass in her altogether with Nadia masturbating Sarah's clit in full view of everyone and the two of them feeding off each other. Then, to cap it all, Sarah bites Nadia's bum and licks lovingly at Nadia's tight asshole while jamming her fingers in and out of Nadia's pussy. Eventually they settle down and kiss and cuddle, and Sarah tells Nadia she prefers her over her brother. What makes this an absolutely perfect episode is that both girls are 100% into the experience, as was shown in the aforementioned other video above which has them fucking each other up the arse with buttplugs! Tips to make it better: Only by making an R18 version which may not get shown on TV, but that doesn't matter. Also, make the video about 2 hours long! RATING

A quick kiss and cuddle... Nadia's Happy Hooker And another one that begins with Nadia recounting to Tam in flashback, this time about an experience where she entertains an expensive 'lady of the night' in a posh hotel for her first-ever lesbian experience. The two get naked and into a hot bath, massaging each other in the water. Hooker Nathalie gets straight on with biting Nadia's nipples, then as Nadia gets up to turn the bath taps off, Nathalie pulls her jogging pants down. Then comes the massage, as Nathalie pours oil over Nadia's heavenly body and all over her bum, before rubbing it in with her pussy. Then Nadia does what she does best - licking the other girl out, slowly. Afterwards, Nathalie reciprocates. Extended oral scenes then follow before Nadia uses a vibrator on the hooker, much to her delight. Tips to make it better: Again, I prefer naturals, and Nathalie's are rather like a couple of half-football stuck on such a slim body. I don't find breasts like that in the least bit attractive. RATING

Kelle's about to give Nadia the finger... Alias Kelle Marie: Nadia This is a new series from Planet Nadia director Andy Ide, featuring Kelle Marie who played the schoolteacher in Pink Velvet opposite the delectable Jo. This episode begins with Nadia in the 'male' role, pretending to masturbate like a bloke (not quite the way I do it, but that's probably more info than you need to know), and just as she brings herself off, Kelle walks round, pretends to taste Nadia's "cum" and strips down to her bright red lingerie. She makes Nadia take her shorts down and spanks her bum briefly, talking to her and getting off on the 'woman as man' theme. It does get really bizarre as it continues, and starts to remind me of Duran Duran's video promo for The Chauffeur. I'm expecting "Singggg blue silverrrr" to plug on in the background. Then comes a fantastic moment as Kelle fingers herself slowly inside her knickers and brings Nadia's face closer up so she can take her finger out of her pussy and straight into Nadia's wanting mouth. Then her knickers come off and she tells Nadia to "Slide your tongue all over my cunt... taste me... eat me", all as if she might never eat pussy again! As Kelle comes, be sure to turn your volume down, since she screams in a very echoy room! It's worth it when you see Nadia lick her exceedingly wet fingers clean afterwards. Then she gets to finger and lick Kelle out from behind. "Fuck my pussy and my ass at the same time", Kelle tells Nadia. She does as she's told, commenting on how tight her asshole is, and you just wish you could lick Nadia's fingers clean afterwards yourself... As she finishes her off, Nadia uses her thumb on Kelle's asshole and licks lovingly, while spanking occasionally. Nadia is then told to bend over and gets spanked back after her knickers are taken down just enough to reveal... just enough. Then she is shown using a vibrator on her pussy in front of Kelle, who takes charge in the last throws of ecstacy. Tips to make it better: It's a little too weird at times. A bit less eccentricity would help. RATING

And just before I sign off, anyone wanting more pics can check these thumbnails from each episode:

Review copyright © Ash, 2003.

As of April 2009, Blu-rays and DVDs reviewed by the editor are watched on a Panasonic TH-37PX80B 37" Plasma TV with a Sony BDP-1500 Blu-ray player and played through a Yamaha DSP-AX820 amplifier.

PC games reviewed by the editor are on: