In the 1990s we had kids. I announce that because it meant that outside of Postman Pat and Fireman Sam, our life was a cultural desert. I missed out on the Manchester music scene, although later got into Oasis, and film-going was reduced to a trickle of classics (Schindler's List, Goodfellas, Saving Private Ryan, for example). So, shock horror (geddit?), I saw none of the Scream franchise. Thus, last night, the fourth installment should have been as fresh as the smell of cut grass on a summer day. Sadly, it was like a smelly old compost heap. I suspect this is my opinion because I'm not 16 years old which seemed to be the average age of the crowd in screen 10 at Nottingham Cineworld. While I understand Scre4m is meant to be comedy horror it just seemed like a giant send up of slasher movies. Thus, there was very little suspense, a few puerile jokes and and whole bag of self mockery. The idea is that on the tenth anniversary of grisly murders in Woodsboro Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) returns to the town to launch a book. This is something of a retort to the novels by her old mate Gale (Courteney Cox Arquette) about slasher killings. These have been made into a movie franchise called "Stab". In the early scenes of Scre4m we see clips from a couple of the "Stab" movies. So, within seconds, sharp blades are being thrust into people and they continue to be for the next hour and 50 minutes as the movies are used as the backdrop for Ghostface's return to Woodsboro... And, while the killing spree goes on, there is a succession of lame movie cross-references which wouldn't have been out of place in Scary Movie.

So what of the performances? Well, Emma Roberts was the stand out and her star continues to rise. This was a pretty interesting choice of movie for her, again showing, following 4321 last year, how much she is trying to distance herself from Nancy Drew. Roberts plays Jill, the cousin of Sidney Prescott, and is well supported by two more young actors who are on the way up in Hayden Panettiere and Rory Culkin. As for the original gang: Neve Campbell is stiff, David Arquette is just annoying as the bumbling local sheriff and I wanted to stab the Courteney Cox character long before Ghostface had a go. Watching Monica from Friends effing and blinding was sacrilegious enough but she actually looks too old now to be messing around in this sort of bunkum. The reason I was particularly disappointed by Scre4m was that it was supposed to be Craven's return to form. I was ready to be shocked to the point of leaping around like I had ants in my pants. The fact is that I jumped slightly three times. And, while teenage girls were laughing like hyenas, I just don't find knives through the gut very funny. So no laughometer for me. Was it so ghastly that it was worth a place down among the dead men in my worse ten movies of the year? No. Was it a worthwhile way to spend two hours? Absolutely not.

Review copyright © Neil White - @everyfilmin2011, 2011.

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